awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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