Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
