I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
love makes seman taste better
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
