Betty ford says i'm here all night
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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