I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
