So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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