You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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