I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
