Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I would ride that face into the sunset
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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