My cat gives me a boner
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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