wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We had sex on a dog bed..
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
