Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
