Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
