At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
