bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
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I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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