You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
