I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
