im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
