Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
