dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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