Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
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Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
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Holy sore nipples Batman
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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