while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
