I cannot find my penis.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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