I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
