just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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