Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
