theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
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When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
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There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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