Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
