I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
