I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
