I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
