I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
