My friends, they love my intelligence
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
