I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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