Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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