The maid of honor just puked.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
