Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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