I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
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My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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