Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
