oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
