Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
