my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
why do cheetos always look like penises
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
