fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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