if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
