My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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