why didn't you poke me back
i think i have herpe
just one?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
