he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
