I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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