Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
