Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
3 2 1 whiskey
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
