I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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