There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
