This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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