tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
