Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
