you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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