Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
