Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
