someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
